Dear Self:
We need to talk. You know this has been a long time coming. You didn't really think you would get away with all those trips to the candy store for long, did you? I totally understand that losing weight is no easy task, but let's face it - you've gotten a little off track and we need to get this crazy train back to where it belongs before you are back to where you started. I'll give you this - you're amazing at maintaining your weight. With all the candy bars, coffees and things fried you've managed not to gain anything back . . . . . yet. But let's be serious - you're still a little fatty around the curves and that just won't do.
This all really began with the college, didn't it? You totally forgot what undergrad was like. The undergrad where you gained 15 pounds, but hell you could have stood to gain some at that point. That trip was filled with top ramen, Swanson dinners and my personal favorite, rice-a-roni. This new trip around the undergrad block? Well, it's been filled with Reeses peanut butter cups, flamin' hot cheetos and countless numbers of coffee well diluted in half and half. Oh, and the occasional cookie.
Remember that day when the candy first came to you? You had been doing so well; you were off your first plateau and on your way to your goal. Then she did it. That new boss of yours, bless her heart, opted for ice breakers to get everyone to know each other. All of which seemed to involve candy. Now, we both know you have issues when it comes to candy. We both know you can't control your hands. The best thing would have been to sit on them and push yours to the side. Instead . . . . you ate all of yours . . . . and your neighbors . . . . and then dove into the bucket full of candy until you found yourself surrounded by tiny little wrappers, lost in what everyone was talking about and wondering how to hide the evidence.
But it didn't stop there, did it. The co-worker of yours that reminds you of Mari, yeah, she showed you where to get MORE candy. The smart thing would have been to say no thank you and never even look in the spot. But you didn't do that, did you? You clicked your heels three times and said "There's nothing like candy, there's nothing like candy." And you were brought to the candy. Each individually wrapped and in deceivingly small servings. Each perfectly sweet, charming piece of candy was your new buffet. This was the beginning of that downhill spiral.
You've been all over the map since then, haven't you? Scoffing in the face of fat and calories and daring them to a fight. Well, you've officially stopped winning; I just thought I should let you know. You were ALMOST on belt loop 4 . . . . well, now that's starting to get tight. So you are officially on lock down. No more fried foods. No more candy. No more fatty foods. This affair of yours, it's over.
You're getting back on the workout track and here is what we have to address straight out - I know you hate the elliptical downstairs. You really gave it its fair shot in liking it, and really it's the only one you've ever felt real hatred for. And you know what? That's ruining your groove thing. You are going to have to learn to put up with it at least twice a week. No exceptions. We both know you are not going to leave the comfort of your apartment to get in your car and drive to the gym, so you might as well make friendly with the elliptical downstairs.
Oh, and every little thing you put in your mouth will be counted. You are paying way too much money for that trainer of yours to not count every little thing. Every french fry you steal every candy bar you say "Oh, well, this is small, it really won't count." Guess what, it does now.
You will reach your goal in February. You will be a skinny bitch once more. And to show I'm not a bad guy - I'll even throw in the fair at no extra . . . . well . . . let's just say I won't be that much of a bitch about it. But past that, welcome to your new hell. So pull up a chair, or should I say elliptical machine, and stay awhile because if I have anything to do with it, which I now will, you will be a skinny bitch.......
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