Five Pounds Lighter

Weight: 5 lbs. lighter
Listening to: Starry Eyed Surprise by Oakenfold
Mood: Pretty Damn Happy

Brian and I share this drawer in the bathroom, where we keep hairbrushes, toothpaste, all the essentials - and it's an absolute mess. I've been saying we need to get a drawer organizer to the point of where he no longer wants to hear about it. I finally found that organizer today at Century City, which is where I found myself after my weight watchers meeting this morning.

When I initially went into the meeting, I was begging God to let me have lost just one pound. Not GAIN, mind you, God, but LOSE. I was growing a little impatient in line because it takes a lot to work up the nerve to step on that scale and watch the numbers spin like a slot machine. When it was finally my turn, I did the ritual, take off anything that isn't vital - shoes, purse, jacket - and stepped onto that platform of torture. As I watched the number spin, I was quick to realize that it was a lower number then last week. Wait . . . a lot lower then I was expecting. Are you sure the scale is right? Hold on, this is going too quick, I can't do the math. I was half way to sitting in a seat when the leader announced it was my second week - round of applause. Then she announced I had lost FIVE POUNDS!!! Gasps all around me, the applause seemed louder this time and I was getting ready to cry. Hold it together, girl, it's just five pounds, let's not make yourself out to be a blubbering idiot over five pounds. I told them all about my blog, with giggles all around when I mentioned the title. How do you start something like that? People were asking. Huh. Maybe this was a good idea after all.

After the meeting was over, I took away the message of eating out - are you eating out because it's easy or because it's a special occasion. Okay, got it. I wasn't even out the door when I was texting people "OH MY GAWD! FIVE POUNDS!!" What do I do with myself? I mean, damn, five pounds. I need to reward myself somehow. Candy bar? No, that will just add fuel to the never ending fire of cravings. Panda Express for lunch? Well, that will take all of my extra points for the week, and I'm holding out for Cafe Bravo on Monday. What the hell do I do?

Then I remembered my favorite perfume - Ginger Essence by Origins. The next thing I knew, I as headed to Century City. I knew it was a big reward, for really such a small accomplishment on a long road but hell, do you have any idea what I had to do to accomplish that? I fought off chicken strips, french fries and Reese’s peanut butter cups! As soon as I sprayed a little on myself I said "Good job, girl" and smiled.

I met my mom for lunch and I had the rotisserie chicken - no extra sauce, with a double serving of vegetables.

It Always Begins and Ends With Gavin

Weight: Still Fat
Listening To: The Way I Are By Timbaland
Mood: Hung over, still

A few months ago, Brian and I purchased a new couch for the living room. It's a natural brown, microfiber, with a chaise lounge. In short, it's fabulous. Outside of the bed, it's my first major furniture purchase, and it was a rather thrilling event.

I was sitting on that very couch last night, trying not to think about food while I was waiting for Brian to get home so we could have dinner. Then came the text - What are you doing? It was Gavin, the guy I've known a few life times over. He wanted to go to happy hour in Santa Monica at the Enterprise Fish Co., 'cause they apparently have the best happy hour in town. After some whining about rush hour traffic, and a quick calculation of my points, I was headed out the door. I had some extra points in my pocket, so I figured one drink, a small something grilled, and some veggies and I would be set! Yeah, that's not what happened.

I sit down with Gav, and drill him about how he knows nothing about my East LA gig - does he not check my status updates on Facebook? Apparently not!!! In the haze of that evening with him, I manage to go through 4 drinks, some bread and garlic butter, a couple of fried shrimp, a grilled artichoke and chips and salsa. At one point, I think he was yelling "Points! Points!" at me. Details surrounding the gorge are a little hazy.

About an hour and a half in, my bestie Zara joins us. She has the body of a goddess, and if she wasn't such a cool chick I think I may just hate her for it. Once she arrived, I came out of my food coma, and managed to put a halt to it all. Maybe just being around her helps to remind me why I'm starving myself to begin with? Once Gav left, I confessed my food sin and she didn't hate me for it. She just said that if it was her, she would consider that her dinner. Yeah, dinner. I'm into it!

Regardless of what happened last night, I will never forget the screaming headache I had from my hang over as I was trying to tell one of my students they aren't going to graduate on time. Ah, memories.

Chicken Strips and French Fries

Weight: Still fat
Listening To: Beautiful silence
Mood: Fussy, but mellow

In a way, I'm a french fry consesouir. The perfect fry is crisp and light on the outside, so when you bite into it, you get that crunch. Then the inside comes pouring out, like a burst, which is warm and soft, almost melts in your mouth. The best french fry I've ever had has been at McDonald's. The worst french fry - well, that's been all over the place and not limited to In and Out, regardless of what you might say.

On Monday I started a new quarter of classes, and the teacher decided he was going to hold us until 9:30pm - the absolute latest time he can hold us until. He really didn't have anything to say, other than repeating himself over and over and over. He just wanted to stroke his *eh-hem* ego, and exercise his power. Whatever.

So being the good little dieter I am, I had packed myself up a day's worth of food the night before, and was fully prepared for any hunger strikes. What I wasn't prepared for were the chicken strips.

I seemed to be the only one that brought any sort of sustenance and sooner or later, the chicklet twins and my comrade in dieting all started to get hungry. At break, I walked with them up to the restaurant and contemplated a small salad with a little bit (wink, wink) of ranch dressing, but calculated the points and decided I was better off with something I already brought.

I didn't pay much attention to what they ordered, but I did pay more attention when it was delivered. Wouldn't you know it, the chicklet twins got chicken strips and my comrade got french fries. Not much of a comrade, eh?

I'm not sure if they noticed, but at the moment of the unveiling, I sat there, sideways in my chair, staring longingly at their chicken strips. They looked so good. They were golden, and perfect, and they even had the ranch dressing to dip them in. Forget it if chicken strips usually makes me sick, they are golden delicious over there!!! So I just stared, longingly. I stared even more then they soaked it down in ranch and took a bite. I could feel the texture in my mouth, almost taste the coolness of the ranch with the crispiness of the chicken strips. So I had to turn around . . . . and be tempted by my partner's french fries. I were right there!! All I had to do was reach over and grab one, she wouldn't know if I timed it right, and if I didn't - hell, it's not like she would kill me over a french fry, or two, maybe three?

I began to wonder how many points these things were, maybe I could make it work. I furiously turned the pages in my points pocket guide . . . french fries, french fries, fuck that's too much. Chicken!! chicken, chicken, chicken . . where are the strips?? Really?? Dam, that sucks for me.

So I pulled the grapes out of my bag, and sat there secretly pouting while I ate them.

Hello My Old Friends

Weight: Still Fat
Listening to: The Basketball Game Bri is Watching
Feeling: Curious

Shortly after I posted by first blog and decided to go public to my friends and family to keep up the pressure of "I can do this . . " I got an amazing response. Girls I thought totally didn't have weight issues, did. Maybe I wasn't the only fat girl out there . . . .

In any case I went to my final today, and am now officially on vacation . . . . for a day and a half. As we were sitting in the hall, waiting for someone to unlock the door to the class room, the chicklet twins came down the hall. Two adorably sweet girls, but also two adorably sweet girls that are just as skinny as I was in High School. Bitches.

We chit chatted and finally got into the class. Once we sat down, I took a look around at all the yummy treats everyone had in front of them. Coffees, muffins . . . . as I looked at them all, I felt myself getting angry and jealous over their treats. I started to imagine they were the most amazing treats in the world, and damn it, I bet some of them even have hot chocolate!!!

So I took a walk to the vending machine. Can't tell you why, just did. Yup, the Dorritos were still in there. Oh, and so were the Reese's Peanut Butter cups. I longingly stared at my old friends and wondered if there were new friends to be made. A nutrition-nut bar of some sort there, trail mix here. We were never friends. I don't think we ever will be.

So I walked away from the machine, hands empty.

The Day I Started

You know that I can direct you to some of the best Mac 'n Cheese in Los Angeles? It's true, and if you need directions, or company, let me know. I have always had an obsession with Mac 'n Cheese. But that's not where it all started. It all started when I quit smoking and started buying Dorritos. Much to my beau's dismay I used food to alleviate my oral fixation and before I knew it, I looked in the mirror and I was a whopping 50 lbs. heavier.. Crap. So, through lying to myself, and pretending it just wasn't happening I managed to maintain my newly acquired weight. When Brian left for extended trips, I lost about 20lbs, but when my party-loving beau came back, so did the 20 lbs.. Crap, again.

So this morning I found myself in a weight watchers center. I thought I just might burst into flames the minute I stepped on the scale, but it was relatively painless. The good news - I haven't gained much since my last meeting with them five months ago. The bad news - I'm still fat. So I got through the meeting without having a nervous breakdown, and decided to post some of their sayings up around my kitchen. Some quips like:

Feelings are waves, choose which ones you will ride.

Acknowledge your feelings, don't feed them (Which is now scrolling on the bottom on my computer. I wonder how long that will take to annoy me.).

I hope my never-gain-one-pound-no-matter-what beau doesn't mind having them posted all over the place, 'cause they're gonna be!

So good bye creamy curries - I will miss you. Good bye big boxes of Buncha Crunch -you were all too happy to accompany me to the movies. Good bye restaurant chips and salsa - you were always a good friend. Good bye to the creamy goodness of mac 'n cheese - you comforted me on the worst of days. Good bye tempura - I will miss you the most.

Now, how am I gonna make it though lunch with Naveen on Sunday? Things are about to get interesting . . . . .